The Secret Is
by Tigerdust
Summary: Kurt has a secret that he finally gets off his chest, with unexpected results. Ultimately, the real secret is that he is more loved by his dad and quirky outcast friends than he'll ever know.


Kurt was glad that tickets had been hard to come by for the Purdue Post Secret event, but that his dad had come through as always-claiming it was an impromptu and last minute birthday gift even though Kurt's birthday was nowhere near the Purdue Invitationals date. The original Glee kids, plus Quinn, Mr. Schue, and Miss Pillsbury, were all scattered about the room. When Kurt craned his neck, the closest one he could see was Mercedes, who often waved when he looked. If she knew why he was here, she probably wouldn't have waved at all.

Kurt had his own secret that he was going to share. He had spent days practicing and writing it exactly in a way that wouldn't make it seem specific, but that the Glee kids would know exactly what he was talking about.

The sounds of the eager and nervous audience members buzzed around the auditorium, but there were a few faces that seemed to have just digested three day old sauerkraut. Kurt had become so adept at his stony face, thanks to ANTM, that you almost would never know that he was about to ruin the greatest thing that had ever happened to him just by being honest.

None of the Glee kids knew that he had his own Post Secret and he doubted that the the five who had decided to go clubbing to celebrate Matt's birthday, some non-essential number with rites of passage but those jocks loved any reason to boogie down, would be out of the loop for long. He was also glad "Mr. Hot for Berry Israel" wasn't here. Kurt Hummel did not want all this getting around school.

He had second thoughts in the moments leading up to Frank Warren's entry. When the smart, older looking professor came onstage to announce him and explain a bit about the Post Secret phenomenon, Kurt almost bolted for the auditorium exit. But just almost. There was something inside of him that made him stay.

The number three kept rolling around in Kurt's head. He was third in line. To accomplish such a high number, he had snuck away to "take a powder" when the Glee kids had all been huddled together in the lobby, sharing a way too large bag of Twizzlers, and grumbling about how they were all sitting apart. Kurt had never been so glad to be sitting alone. He was sure anyone even three rows away could hear the paper crinkling in his pocket.

When it was finally his time to get to his place in line, Kurt assumed he was hidden from view of the other McKinley High kids solely by the fact that he couldn't see them. But that didn't stop him from sweating slightly through the concealer that he had worn that morning.

His hands were shaking by the time he reached the mike stand. Looking up at Frank Warren's warm and smiling face didn't help much. Kurt was sure, however, that he wasn't the first person to feel this way. The only thing he didn't want to do was faint. That was the only non-negotiable option.

"Hello," Frank Warren stated nonchalantly from his stool onstage.

It was so casual that Kurt was taken aback by it. It took him several moments to respond, his breath seemingly sucked out of his whole body. "Oh...hello. I...."

Frank nodded Kurt along. "You have a secret to share?"

Kurt nodded, his hands shaking so badly that he could barely read the words on the paper from his pocket, even though he had already memorized them a thousand times and didn't really need the scrap of paper. He looked around, not noticing anyone in his line of view that he knew. He briefly wished that Finn could have been standing next to him, giving him some form of encouragement.

Kurt decided that the only way to do this was to do it or just walk away and bury it. But, he was here and there was a line behind him longer than the line for Lady Gaga tickets, so he figured he couldn't just turn around.

"I ruined the biggest chance of my career and took a dive for my dad. I chose not to defy gravity because I'm all he's had since mom died and he was more important."

There it was, out in the open. Was his voice too high pitched? Had they heard, had they not heard? Kurt knew that it shouldn't matter but it did. Frank simply smiled, maybe his eyes misted over at the mention of Kurt's dad. Kurt doesn't remember much after that, only the feeling of walking fast. Too fast. Olivia Newton John in "Let's Get Physical" fast.

It didn't take Mercedes long to find him, as he knew would happen. He was standing in the most glorious bathroom that he'd ever seen. The place was empty and he was admiring the reflection of the caramel-swirled granite counter top while holding up a kleenex to his eye. The tears were being mutinously uncooperative though.

Mercedes' voice echoed loudly throughout the room before she entered. "If there are any boys in here besides Kurt, you have five seconds to get out!"

When she finally came in, they just stared at each other. Half of Mercedes' face was angry, the other half seemed more depressed and aged. There was lots of silence at first.

"Mercedes, I..."

"No. I get to talk now, you sure did enough of that earlier. How could you do that without telling me?"

Kurt still had the kleenex in his hand, but it was slowly coming apart. At that point, he could see every flaw in his argument for why laid bare. "I thought this was the best way. When we got invited to the Purdue Invitational for the region and I found out that Post Secret would be here..."

Mercedes shook her head and Kurt admired her hoop earrings with the golden sparrows in the center. They had bought those earrings for her on the first weekend they had gone shopping together. "No, thats not what happened, don't blame fate cause you were scared. You were even too scared to come to me, your best friend. Remember me? Mercedes?"

"I was hoping you would understand."

"Yeah? Well, you thought wrong. We had the chance to change the club, Kurt. We had a chance to knock Rachel down a peg, and you took a dive. Even for your daddy...I mean, I could have understood if you had told me. I would've been mad, but I would've understood. I don't, I can't get this."

Mercedes turned to walk out the restroom, her back to Kurt. "Mercedes, wait."

She turned back as she opened the restroom door. "No, Kurt. We're done."

It was a cold drive back to the hotel, everyone squished together into the van and nobody talking. Finn was driving since there wasn't enough room with the kids for Mr. Schuester and he and Ms. Pillsbury were probably gonna talk all the way or make goo-goo eyes at each other or, you know, whatever it is two teachers in love did.

Finn just kept staring back at Kurt with tired, hurt eyes. Kurt tried his best to ignore those eyes beaming back square at him in the mirror. Every now and then, Finn's mouth would open as though he were going to say something but then it would shut again.

Artie was at least polite to Kurt when they were finally secluded in their shared room. He didn't seem to harbor any grudge, indeed it was the quiet confidence that made it just bearable enough to Kurt, almost made it seem worth the risk that this might be his last performance with Glee. I mean, after all, he wouldn't even trust himself if it had been somebody else up at the mike stand.

But the walls of a hotel room and the same movies playing on AMC can only get you so far before you start to go a little loopy. Kurt felt restricted in the room, like he was suffocating.

"Going out?" Artie looked over from his bed, where he was switching between the movie and one of those easy crossword books you found at the drug store.

"I need a soda. This room is gonna make me pull a Britney if I don't get out for a minute. Want one?"

Artie thought for a moment as he put down his pen. "Orange fanta, if they've got it, otherwise no. Thanks, man."

Kurt smiled weakly. It was nice to know that not everyone might outcast him from the outcast glee clubbers. "It's not a problem."

But there was a problem. He realized it as soon as he reached the working soda machine on the second floor, where most of the glee club was staying, and Puck was already snoring-he could hear it through the walls. Rachel and Tina's room was right near the soda machine and Rachel was lingering as though it was an epic decision to be made. Which, knowing her, it could actually turn into. There might even be a pro and con list involved.

Kurt knew he would have to face her sooner or later, so he decided he would deal with the self-proclaimed star of Glee with all the confidence he possessed, hollow as it was. Arching his back and putting an extra swivel in his hip, Kurt strode up to the soda machine and started to make his own epic decision, noting that there was Sunkist orange, but knowing that Artie really didn't like that orange brand. Kurt had heard the story about Artie getting the soda dumped on him the first year after the accident at some kid's birthday party. He felt lucky he at least hadn't had a soda dumped on him yet. He hoped if that were to happen it would at least be root beer. Root beer was good for the scalp if it was the right brand.

"That was a brave thing you did." Rachel just dove right in to the matter at hand, as she always had. At least Kurt was comforted by the fact that some things couldn't change and just seemed hardwired into life.

"Thanks." Kurt nodded, noting that Rachel was just now turning her head, as though she had been telling the soda cans they were brave and not a high tenor who seemed hell-bent on his own destruction.

"Of course," _and here we go_, Kurt groaned to himself as Rachel launched into another spiel which would bring this moment right back to her, "I can't quite understand that kind of sacrifice. After all, my two gay dads are out and proud and fully support everything I accomplish in my life goals. And I kept each and every one of the birthday and "thinking of you" cards they've given me to prove it!"

"That's great," Kurt added as Rachel pretty much demolished the specialness of their moment in one fell swoop.

"But you know that there's no way we'll ever be able to trust you again, right? I mean, that whole diva-off was a big deal and it was your idea to begin with."

"I remember that, Rachel, vividly. But if I had to go back, I wouldn't make a different decision. My dad and I are all we have in the world. At the end of the day, even when I'm covered in grease that takes three hours to get out of a jumpsuit while retaining the baby blue integrity of the fabric, its worth it because of him."

Rachel shrugged in return. "Well, like I said, I don't think I could ever completely understand, but I suppose the truth sets you free, right?"

"Right...." Kurt trailed off as Rachel punched a button and started bounding back down the hallway. She was so secure, maybe even subconsciously smug. He hated that he wasn't as dedicated to the craft as her, but he had made a decision for his dad and he would do it again if he had to. Even if it meant going through this.

Kurt didn't expect the night of the informal Purdue Invitational for Midwestern Glee Clubs to be any less horrible than it was beforehand. Of course, his imagination was working over time to see every slight and to take that burden, while the reality was much simpler. Everyone was simply concentrating on getting ready. And when Mr. Schuester's head popped in the door of the guy's changing room, Kurt just got up and assumed this was a kind of Glee death row walk.

"Kurt, could I...."

"Already on my way," Kurt interjected, walking around the corner of the changing room, already in his simple yet tasteful costume. He didn't look back, didn't notice Finn's head snap in the direction of the doorway. And that was probably for the best. At this point, Kurt couldn't handle imagining that Finn was willing to fumble with his emotions just for a lost cause like himself.

Will's eyes gazed down to Kurt's level. "You know, Kurt..."

"Please, Mr. Schuester," Kurt put up his hand. He had already had this conversation in his mind and he needed to keep control of it otherwise he might start hyperventilating or possibly go into Bernadette Peters mode, "I know what you're gonna say and I understand if the other kids want me out of Glee. I know you need the dozen, so I'll stick around until you can find a replacement."

Will folded his arms in a relaxed position. "Are you sure you knew what I was gonna say, Kurt?"

"That wasn't it? I mean, I would think..."

Will Schuester shrugged. "Sure, the kids are concerned about what you did and its not gonna be easy to earn back broken trust, but you'd be surprised who's still on your side."

Kurt shook his head. "Don't fight for me, Mr. Schuester. Its like Gloria Gaynor said in her hit single. I will survive. And, I mean, I can always bribe people with cupcakes on their birthday if I have to."

Mr. Schuester chuckled and finished with a sigh. "You're an extraordinary young man Kurt. You've got more confidence and bravery than anyone else I've met at McKinley. But you also don't believe in your family enough."

Kurt furrowed his brow, so taken aback that he didn't care that he would have to reapply his avocado regiment to combat the lines in his forehead. "I don't understand."

"You don't now, but you will." Will Schuester turned to walk away. "Break a leg tonight, Kurt."

"Thank you?"

Kurt was confused enough that he wasn't ready to go back in and face the other guys. Of course, he didn't want to wander strange hallways and get lost before the performance, did he look like Patti Lupone to anyone?, but he did want space. He wanted, no he needed, time to think things through.

"What, you guys don't have any man rituals before a performance that you have to go through?" Quinn stated as she crossed to the water fountain near where Kurt was musing. "I would think that with all those football stars in the club, you would need to slap each other on the back or something."

Kurt shook his head. "No. Mr. Schuester wanted to talk to me."

"What did he have to say?"

"He said I should trust in my family more, whatever that means. I don't think he meant my dad though. I've never not trusted my dad."

Quinn finished taking a long drink of water, pulling her hair out of the momentary pony tail she had grabbed it into so she could drink. "He's not wrong. I mean, I wrote the book on that and he's still not wrong."

"I don't get it, Quinn. I mean, I was sure you guys..."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Look, what you did sucks because everyone was pretty much ready to vote on you to sing at sectionals. And to find out now that you were holding out on us...well, it makes everything that happened appear like you just didn't care, even with the win. I mean, you could have won sectionals for us, not Rachel."

Kurt let the sides of his mouth droop. "It's not that I didn't care, its just that...my dad meant more to me."

Quinn smiled. "That's really cool. I wish, a lot of the time when I was pregnant with Daphne, I could have had that for one moment with my mom and dad. But now," Quinn said as she patted her almost flat again stomach, "the greatest desire I have is to have the relationship with her that you have with your dad. Thats why I voted..."

"Did you tell him yet?" Finn's head poked out of the guy's locker room.

Quinn rolled her eyes in response. "I was about to. I was just building up some suspense."

Kurt looked back and forth between Quinn and Finn. "Tell me what?"

Finn slid behind Kurt so that he could lean against the wall and casually cross his arms while smiling. "Just go ahead and tell him. We're getting antsy in there, like right before a surprise party or something."

"Guys," Kurt's breathing became very light in almost an instant, "you're killing me here. Whats happened?"

Quinn moved a couple strands of hair from off her forehead. "Finn, you're such a jerk for ruining the surprise. Kurt, we took a vote as a club and decided that we want to hear you do Defying Gravity tonight, with the added stipulation that you actually sing and hit that high note like most of us know you can."

Finn shrugged. "Yeah, and its not that big a deal. I mean, most of us understand, we're just gonna need some time. I think we all just really want you to have your moment. Its really cool what you did for your dad. I probably would've done that for my mom."

No matter what they said, Kurt wasn't sure he would hear it. He was stunned. He just wanted to tackle Finn and Quinn in ridiculously painful hugs at that moment. "But...But I thought you wanted to do Haven't Met You Yet for our opener, Finn?"

Finn chuckled. "You're like that yodeling guy on the Price is Right, Kurt. I'll never be able to climb that altitude, but I get plenty of moments in the spotlight."

Quinn put a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "I know you're not gonna let us down. We're a family. A strange one, but a family. And that means second chances. I want to be blown away, I won't expect anything less."

Kurt tried to stand taller. "Well, I'd better not say anything else or I might hyperventilate. God, I feel like Halle Berry at the Oscars."

And it was true. He did, from that moment he walked down the corridor and onto the stage, behind his Glee family. He still felt it as they started humming the opening notes to Defying Gravity.  
And he would always remember the feeling, the buzz of the spot light on his skin. Then there was finally a tear, but one of joy.

And Kurt Hummel, blessed by a loving father and a quirky family of outcasts, finally defied gravity with a clear conscience and hope.


End file.
